I Still Miss You, Spock
by TheTrekkieGirl
Summary: Spock and Kirk have become as tight as can be, but when Spock is torn from him forever, he realizes just what the half-Vulcan meant to him. Characters die, implied romance.


A/N First off big thanks to my new beta, Spleefmistress. Big hugs to her and her patience with both this thing and "The Vulcan Demon". If you want to suggest a new name for that one, shoot away!

But yeah.... a quick thing I'd like to address, this is not one of my happier fics. There's a death, and a suicide. YES, BOTH END WITH SOMEONE DEAD, BUT HERE THEY'RE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

Also, I do NOT support suicide in any way, shape, or form, and in no way should you ever attempt to harm yourself. But hey, you guys knew that already, right?

Some quick math: me+boredom+this song*Nox Arcana=sad song fic. I should lay off the goth music for a bit......

So anyway, this fic came to me just now, after listening to a certain song. First, I would like to credit Nightcrawler's Shadow, both for inspiring me and making me love this song. You can find her oneshot here: http://www. Fanfiction .net/s/5717053/1/I_Still_Miss_You Just out the spaces around "Fanfiction" and copy/paste it into the address bar – not necessarily in that order. Anyway, I don't own Star Trek, the song, or even the idea, just the words in this story. Also, this hits EXTREMLY close to her fic. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to steal, but it's really close.

And just so you know – This is NOT romance, it's friendship with implications...::frowns:: although....

Also – I don't know about Kirk's grandmother. Does anyone? Some of this stuff may not make sense.

_There she was, 5'3 a picture of my mother's mother._

When Kirk met Spock, they didn't really click. Spock was the picture of Vulcan seriousness and Kirk was... well, Kirk. But their mission to save earth had brought them close, closer than Jim had been to his grandmother. Spock even had a similar trait of seeing the good qualities in everyone.

_She showed me love, and all the ways of God_

Kirk hadn't quite been a devout Christian growing up, but he was strangely enthralled when Spock told him of Vulcan religion. It made the two seem closer – it made him feel closer to Spock, than just his "brother".

_Her final days were spent in bed then she passed away._

Spock had been feeling under the weather for about a week. At first, McCoy thought it was simply a sinus infection, but this 'infection' quickly took a turn for the worse. Kirk had to break the news – no one else was willing, not even his one-time flame Uhura. It was eating him alive, but he had to tell Spock before... before what was to come, came.

As Kirk entered med bay, Spock looked up, his face straight but his eyes shining at the sight of his friend.

"Hello, Jim."

Kirk couldn't find it in him to smile. "Spock..." he had to force out the rest. "There's... there's something you need to know." A few tears slipped out, despite his efforts to hold it together for... for the most important person to him in the known galaxy. "Spock…"

_I won't forget her smiling face when she left us that night_

_  
"But I still miss you. All the times we spent together, to hear you talk about the weather. I always prayed you'd get well soon."_

_I wish my prayers came true.  
I know Jesus has the answer._

Spock was quiet. He had felt his body failing, growing weaker and paler. He and his father had suspected as much, but the words gave him an empty feeling all the same.

One night, Kirk quietly entered med bay. Normally, any visitors had to leave by ten, but McCoy made an exception for Kirk. Not just because they were close, but because he knew Spock might leave them at any time.

Kirk went over to his friend's bed, where the half-Vulcan sat, his knees pulled up to his chest. He stiffened at the door's creek, but relaxed when he saw it was Jim. Kirk went up to his bed, ignoring the slow _beep....beep _of Spock's heart monitor, and sat next to his friend.

"Hey, space elf."

Spock smiled very slightly at his nickname. Kirk had called him that one day, just fooling around, and it stuck. But it was scant comfort to him now.

"Jim," he began in a whisper. "I am... illogically frightened."

Kirk put his arm around Spock's shoulder. "Don't be. You'll be okay soon. You'll be healthy, and safe. Safer than you ever were, even before..." He trailed off. Spock didn't need a mind meld to understand.

Spock slowly looked up at him. He grasped the hand hanging off his shoulder, and reached up to Kirk's face. He was fading fast... he had to let him know...

"J-Jim..." he gasped.

"What, Spock?" he whispered. He looked at his friend's pale face, his brown eyes desperate, while some part of Kirk's mind registered that the monitor's beeping was getting slower and slower.

"Jim... I… I..." Spock couldn't resist it any longer. As he succumbed to the spiraling black oblivion, the last image he saw was of his best friend.

_And He's way bigger than the cancer in you…  
But I still miss you._

Kirk watched helplessly as the life faded from Spock's eyes, as the hand reaching out for him fell limp, and his grip left. Spock breathed out one final breath, as the monitor completely flat lined, its single, steady beep piercing the quiet.

Kirk pulled his friend's lifeless body close, pressing Spock's still-warm cheek to his chest, and sobbed, struggling to accept he was gone.

He stayed that way until dawn. McCoy, followed by Spock's father, Sarek, entered the med bay, expecting to see the two talking as usual, but instead saw Kirk holding the half-Vulcan's lifeless body, the now-pointless heart monitor still beeping. Sarek attempted to mind meld with his son three times before accepting he was gone. Kirk allowed him to check his own mind for Spock's katra, but knew it was a pointless act. And after telling Sarek that Spock seemingly attempted to transfer it to him just before he passed, it plunged both their hearts into ice.

At his funeral, Kirk wanted to say something, but choked up. He felt too low for words, and there wasn't anything he could say that Spock hadn't already known anyway.

He barely met anyone's eyes anymore. He was so unresponsive that Starfleet ordered him to take a leave of absence, until he recovered from the grief. Kirk accepted, but knew somewhere inside himself he would never see the Enterprise again. Instead of going home, Kirk stayed on Vulcan II. At first he tried to heal, to become his own self again, but eventually he began to stay inside his apartment every day, leaving only for supplies and his part-time job. Despite staying in contact with McCoy and the others, he began to forget his friend's faces, except _his_. Never his.

_If dreams came true, just one more chance to talk to you.  
And thank you for the time you spent teaching me the truth._

He wasn't a selfish jerk; that was something Spock had proven to him. When the message came that his mother had died, Kirk felt like an asshole for not being there when she passed. He went back to earth, just for her funeral. As the coffin was lowered into the grave, as his step-brother sobbed next to him, Kirk wanted nothing more than to hear _h__is _voice, comforting him and telling him that he wasn't selfish or stupid. But those prayers remained unanswered.

_A boy back then, I've grown up now, I'm a man.  
I can finally understand the things you said to me._

Once, when the two of them had been discussing their lives on their respective planets, Kirk, out of the blue, asked the half-Vulcan how someone like his father could fall in love with an emotional being. He wanted to slam his head into a desk for being so insensitive, but he had assured him there was no harm done. He explained to him, that sometimes, when you least expected it; you found that you cared for someone more than you ever thought possible.

He didn't fully understand at the time, but now, the realization hit him like a phaser blast. He'd been talking about how much he cared about Kirk, and he understood, because he felt exactly the same.

_"But I still miss you. All the times we spent together. To hear you talk about the weather. I always prayed you'd get well soon. I wish my prayers came true."_

Kneeling at his gravestone, the moonless sky swirled with storm clouds. He missed him so much, it hurt to even remember his name, but Kirk had suffered through it anyway, even though the pain bound him to this colony, restricted his breathing, and kept him from friends. It felt like he was always there, but...

_I know Jesus has the answer,  
And He's way bigger than the cancer in you._

_  
"…But I still miss you." _Kirk breathed. He was more alone than ever. He needed his friend back. He was past living one day, one hour, at a time. It was torture just making it through one second. He couldn't keep living like this.

_I need some help to carry on.  
I need some strength to keep me strong..._

He swallowed past the block in his throat, and breathed deeply. Raising the dagger before him, he could almost hear _his _voice, telling him he was being illogical and needed to move on.

"I can't live without you, Spock." The pain from saying his name after so long was the motive he needed. The dagger plunged easily into his chest, with nothing more than a quick shock of pain, before he lay upon his grave. In the distance, he heard his friend's voices. He hoped they found his message, left in plain sight on his desk. He loved them all, but he couldn't go on without Spock any longer.

As they crowded around him, he a got a few seconds to see his beloved crew one last time. He smiled weakly at them, and then plunged into darkness.

When the world stopped spinning, he found himself laying in a meadow. Sitting up, he remembered someone from his Academy days saying that that heaven was like Eden. He smiled for the first time in almost a year, feeling as though the world had been lifted off his shoulders. The pain was almost gone, there was just one thing missing...

The air in front him gleamed, and a brown-eyed, pointy-eared figure wearing a blue Starfleet uniform swirled into focus, until his First Officer and best friend was kneeling before him, his expression sad, but understanding all the same.

"Hello, Jim."

A/N Wow......I was _so_ close to crying when I finished this.... This is very sad, I know, but I'm sure a lot of you are wondering what the song is. It's **I Still Miss You, by Hawk Nelson.** Sometimes, when I listen to it, I wanna cry.

For a link to the song itself: http://www. youtube .com/watch?v=VlxjROORQqg Just remember to take out the spaces around "youtube" and you are good.

And one quick question – Did you think the choke scene in the new movie was hot, or was that just me? You can review, or just take the poll on my profile.


End file.
